warning: this post is all about me me me. selfishly. me.

there’s a photo i love of my dad. he’s in Armenia doing photos selling portraits as a  photographer, and in this photo he’s holding this big, fluffy, white sheep! it’s incredible. I’ll have to come back to this just to post the photo in. But it reminds me of something. while at the ocean listening to music, i came across a song that i hadn’t paid attention to before. i remember the “controversy” of the word reckless in this song but that was all. i think throughout life in different seasons of it all, just as bible verses have new meaning for me all of a sudden, the same goes with music. but what i love is what the singer says in his story, and the passage he reads from Luke about the parable of the lost sheep. i totally agree. humans yes, we can be reckless, but God? no way!  everything he does has purpose.

When I use the phrase, “the reckless love of God”, I’m not saying that God Himself is reckless. I am, however, saying that the way He loves, is in many regards, quite so. What I mean is this: He is utterly unconcerned with the consequences of His actions with regards to His own safety, comfort, and well-being. His love isn’t crafty or slick. It’s not cunning or shrewd. In fact, all things considered, it’s quite childlike, and might I even suggest, sometimes downright ridiculous. His love bankrupted heaven for you. His love doesn’t consider Himself first. His love isn’t selfish or self-serving. He doesn’t wonder what He’ll gain or lose by putting Himself out there. He simply gives Himself away on the off-chance that one of us might look back at Him and offer ourselves in return.

His love leaves the ninety-nine to find the one every time. To many practical adults, that’s a foolish concept. “But what if he loses the ninety-nine in search of the one?” What if? Finding that one lost sheep is, and will always be, supremely important.

His love isn’t cautious. No, it’s a love that sent His Own Son to die a gruesome death on a cross. There’s no “Plan B” with the love of God. He gives His heart so completely, so preposterously, that if refused, most would consider it irreparably broken. Yet He gives Himself away again. The recklessness of His love is seen most clearly in this – it gets Him hurt over and over. Make no mistake, our sin pains His heart. And “70 times 7” is a lot of times to have Your heart broken. Yet He opens up and allows us in every time. His love saw you when you hated Him – when all logic said, “They’ll reject me”, He said, “I don’t care if it kills me. I’m laying My heart on the line.”

To get personal, His love saw me, a broken down kid with regret as deep as the ocean; My innocence and youth poured out like water. Yet, He saw fit to use me for His kingdom because He’s just that kind. I didn’t earn it and I sure as heck don’t deserve it, but He’s just that good. Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God.

i think one of the greatest gifts ever is to be able to see God’s love like that in life!

but also, it makes me think that often too many times i find myself trying to be the sheepdog. running around saying, come here, stay with the shepherd. i think a lot of us do it, we get into this “savior complex” mode thinking we need to save someone who needs help. i remember working at the salon in downtown spokane and in looking out the window, saw a business man crossing the street. there in front of my eyes his folders and all his papers fell right out onto the street spilling everywhere. and i like a crazy woman, dropped my brush, left my client, collected every single paper and chased him down the street to give it all back! what on earth was i thinking??! i believe my boss was a bit shocked and i don’t even know what my client thought. i came back and went right back to doing her hair. ridiculous-now that i think about it. the fact that i engage. it’s foolishness. but at the same time, i just couldn’t imagine him sitting down in his important meeting or whatnot, and feeling the loss. i couldn’t just look away and pretend i didn’t see.

well, i’m no damsel in distress, so i definitely don’t need saving, but i’m also no savior and know that sometimes i do more harm that way than actually help. in fact i remember in trying to protect i was hurting the person and my own self so much more. i had to be brought to a point that i had no choice but to let go of pride and ask for help, and in that found so much freedom. i didn’t have to save, to protect. young and stupid. you live you learn right? so stepping back has never felt so good. i know being who i am, i either want to really help or i want to apologize. i either want to save or to say forgive me -if i caused you to stumble in any way. no one ever wants to do that knowingly. no one wants to be a stumbling block. if anything, i prefer to be the sheepdog rather than a stumbling block of the two. ha. and i know i can run and i can hide and still get caught in a storm but still.

i love being off of social media. i need it. blogging, it’s slightly different, i’m not seeing anything as like with the rest of the stuff. but this last season of everything in my life has just been too much. too much seeing, to much hearing, stepping back is good. i remember the moment my heart physically hurt so much i thought i might have a heart attack and i’m not one to have sickness and health issues so no worries, no doctors were needed. but sleepless nights, being sick to my stomach…it drains. and my husband has been the most gracious of all becoming my soundboard more than ever before. dang Peter, sorry! so. i’m definitely looking forward to what’s next to come in our move back to WA. a bit apprehensive, a bit on edge, still peaceful. people sometimes think you want to move because it’ll be easier or whatnot but that’s not my thought. i’m not desiring to move so i can have my mother in law come clean for me, or use family members as babysitters. i’m definitely looking forward to relationship building that’s for sure, but easy, is by far from what i expect.

and my biggest thing in life is, i really need to become a prayer warrior like never before. for so many around me. for myself. may there never be hopelessness or despair. but rejoicing of the heart for all who i know. those will always be my prayers.











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