Sometimes, there’s nothing more that would bring me joy than to proclaim what little role I have in any one part of my life! Anyone might wonder, don’t you mean how big and important you are? No, if I were able to show how small I am, it would show just how Huge God is! And when I look into my little world of my life, I can then apply that to the bigger picture, the whole wide world and all that happens in it. If God is so big and so mighty and so sovereign in my tiny little world, then how much bigger is he for the rest of the world and everything in it? From beginning to end. Then we wouldn’t question life so much, we wouldn’t get so discouraged in it as much, we would be at peace knowing that what happens, was meant to happen for a reason and if it didn’t happen this way, it would obviously have happened a different way! Different characters, different scenario, and a complete different ending. But it was meant to be just the way it is. In God’s will in a life, in the world. There’s definite comfort in that. Instead of asking why? Why this? Why me? Why our city? Why our country… The questions to ask is what? What are You doing? With that mindset, perspective changes, outlook changes, and there’s hope. We focus so much in onto what’s right in front that we forget to look at the fact that the ending, we never see… it might be years from now. We see such a limited timeline, and get overly consumed by what we do see.

We think, how are we going to live through this? In current world affairs. You look around and everybody walks in masks. But in looking back to history, how did anyone live through anything? One of my favorite times of history is WWII. You wonder why on earth would that be your favorite? One of the worst periods in time with genocide, hate, racism, persecution…all of it. All of the horrors you could imagine. And yet, why I love it is because in all of it’s horror, the stories of incredible love, help, sacrifice and beautiful forgiveness that came out of it for us years down the road that encourage, inspire, and make us realize we too can live through any time of world history that might seem impossible, hopeless, full of fear…Still a world full of hate, genocide (babies), racism and everything that’s always been.  We might think, oh our life is on a standstill, all of our activities we so loved are not available to us, oh we’ve been shut up in a house, stuck for too long.  Yes, the whole world becomes crippled by something invisible. But most likely, none of us or at least any one I personally know, have been really shut out or stuck, like a human who’s hidden in a closet or in a hole in the basement trying to survive, to not be captured and tortured. And we don’t have bombs landing in our back yard, thankfully, here in America. We are shut up in houses with Tv’s and junk food. And to make sure there’s no confusion, I do not belittle any one person in their “world” of horror as they struggle in a mental capacity, an emotional one or in any physical way. Perhaps, in one point or another, we’ve all been in the prison of our mind, in the prison of a hospital ward, whatever it may have been… Because when you zoom out and see the whole world, yes it will keep spinning, but zoom in on any one “little world” of a life and see them in that hospital bed alone, or anxiety and fear at it’s max, and your heart will go out to them. So no, I’m not saying those things don’t matter or are too insignificant to think about or worry.

But back to that little role, like a pawn in a chess game. Moved out just so that another more important piece may go. And that pawn for all you know, gets captured and sacrificed right from the start just to get the game moving. Big disclaimer: I don’t play chess. My family was really big into it. You know, Russians and chess or something like that. My dad always tried to get me to play but I could not stand the wait. To sit and watch the other think and make up their mind, sometimes for five minutes or so…while I sit and twiddle my thumbs. Torturous. Having to sit there reading their mind, what move are they planning ahead. It’s madness. And if you sit and think about your own next move, you wonder, is the other player going to laugh in your face and mock that move, ha, that was pathetic, or say, oh, that wasn’t so bad. Hate it. So of all the people in my family I was the least eager to play and learn the game. Nonetheless, we all have our roles, our places, like pieces in the big game of life. And as much as I’d like to think that somehow I am just slightly important, I am shown and humbled that I was the least of things that actually moved anything. I even have moments where I laugh, because in hindsight in my life, I can see God has a sense of humor. Anyone who’d argue that, I’d argue back and give them a story to prove it.


Too many times I want to share. Share all the good stuff and people roll their eyes, oh you spoiled little thing. Share the bad, and it can be with the wrong ones. The Job’s friends who put salt on wounds. ouch. Like those verses that you get that are out of context meant to tell you that you must have sinned greatly to have anything bad happen to you in your life. The ones that just want to compare -you have to be careful because they just want to hear anything awful so that they feel better about their own problems. Doesn’t help them nor you. Then there’s the one time friend who just wants to find out. Come, divulge your heart. And you think, wow, I have no clue who you are, for all I know you could be the town gossip. Where would the prudence be in sharing with them. And the worst, the condemning finger. you, sinner, you. And it takes weeks to preach back truth to get that out of your mind. None that I’d wish for anyone, but too many times what we or I, have seen in life. And then once upon a time, I get to witness something completely different. Something I needed to see.  Love. Friendship. Forgiveness. Another great gift in life.


My parents have this property up in the mountains by mt. Spokane. And back in the day, as  the sun would set, the bonfire would die down, and the sky became a wonder, I’d lay and look up, waiting to see a shooting star. Something about light streaking through the sky and bringing out the inner child. Magical. (nothing like harry potter magic ha) But what it makes me think of is how throughout life I feel like I’m the only one who’s seen the shooting star. I’ll say, hey did you see that?! Excitedly. And the other says, oh, I missed it. Maybe next time. And I just want someone else to witness it’s beauty with me. I know, there’s shooting stars all the time, viewed from all points of earth. That’s how it feels about God’s love, my life, the tiniest little things that happen that mean so much and you just don’t have a witness to them all. No one quite sees it. And then, once upon a time, someone does. And it’s another great gift. A witness, not to just my life, but to God’s great love. That I’m not the only who’s seen or felt it. In the whole wide world full of people, someone witnesses it.


The dilemma of my life. We are not linear. Life is more non linear. All the variables (different people), all that surrounds us. So looking back at ten years of “scribbles in my blog” I realize, I say the same exact ambiguous things. (oh, and i still throw tantrums with my Father in heaven. horrid.) But I’m content. We can never explain, write out, share the way we would in a book or story. Or express what’s on our hearts and minds to the extent that someone could feel it. Why I love the verse, “Each heart knows its bitterness, and no one else can share its joy.” -Proverbs 14:10. God only knows. God knows all.

I’m content that even as I walk my paths of life, those narrow lonely roads sometimes, there was a witness. More or less of how I see it all, but still there…and some others who might have had a tiny glimpse into it.

Praying more faith, hope, and love for this world. Because it’s beautiful.

Jesus says, “the Bible is about me. Every part’s about me…” He’s at the bottom of every story! In fact you can even go out of the Bible. Every good story is about Jesus. What do you think The Lion King is about? What do you think Robin Hood is about? What do you think Frodo is about? Every good story is about Jesus…

-Timothy Keller, episode400







august 2, 2020 – thankful. and though it takes me a few attempts, i’m going to do what i feel i must do. take a break.



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