Little Lambs

*i started this post on January 29 and am only now finishing it up…it takes that long for me to actually get back to it. A lot of times I want to put a disclaimer on each post explaining it away, like “I didn’t have time to edit this” or ” I don’t have an editor so forgive all the mistakes and grammatical errors!” Or sometimes, “This is just a random thought- has nothing to do with my own personal life or people I know!” It might not flow smoothly and be eloquent as I’d like it to be. In fact it can be like a pile of tangled string…yet somehow have a beginning and an end with a few knots in the middle;)

But the nice thing is, this is not a book, this is not a “piece of work” and I can have mistakes without a thought of how someone might look at it when they read it.

It’s kind of like how I feel about social media. (Yup I’m gonna mention it like an old, old-fashioned grouch or something;)) I have no business as of this moment, for me to have to keep up a certain profile to promote myself. Thus I have freedom to take as many social media breaks as I want. Gives me freedom to not have to like or comment on any one’s posts, to keep up an image, to be stuck in an never ending constant craze. Anyway… that might not even make any sense. So back to the post…

He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.

-Isaiah 40:11

I’ve been very fond of this verse since Jemma was a wee little one…specifically, “…He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart…”

It’s been even more so a consolation with another addition of a little one to our family. When there are things that happen that can be so disheartening, there are those places in the Bible that come to mind like that verse that keep me strong. And when you Believe those words, it’s unshakable. Don’t get me wrong- it doesn’t mean that worries don’t cross my mind, or I don’t get emotional or cry. I believe you can fully trust and know that what is going on will be ok in the end, and still be sad about it or grieve, or be broken up. We have hearts and emotions. The beautiful thing is that being with Jesus, we can take all those tears or brokenness to him.

I think how many times someone has seen me cry and they have no clue as to why I am crying- they would have absolutely no idea what’s behind those tears. I just look emotional, unstable, hormonal… whatever you wanna call it! The funny thing is, some of those tears weren’t for me at all but for others. And you could say, “Well why cry for someone else? It is of no concern to you?!”

Peter mentioned to me how someone who was in a hard spot in life, said they tried prayer…and it doesn’t work. And I got emotional. Why? Because when someone is so close to death and has no hope and doesn’t believe or feel like they are heard, it is absolutely heartbreaking. When you know there is a God and He hears you want those people like that to know too. And to think, how many of those sad, hurting people are out there in this world…

I love this little note from the author in his book called, The Oak Inside the Acorn. (Have I mentioned, I like picture books?) Because I’m a total believer in studying and learning my children. Not in a weird scientific way mind you;) From day one of life outside the womb, I can notice little patterns in my baby. Why he’s doing what he’s doing…and it helps me as a mom to know how to go about it. I remember Jemma not yet crawling, laying on the play-mat trying to grasp the tag that was sticking out. She would get so frustrated. Same thing with Bella. Barely a few months but trying to grasp the hanging toy within her reach. She kept working and working, putting her hands together until she got a hold of it. I was mesmerized. Watching her persevere! They were already showing their character at such a young stage of life!

So what am I getting at?

My babies are pretty much two years apart. In the two years between one and the next, I get pretty comfortable with the rhythm we have going. What we are doing and how we go about our days. And then the little one comes and all of a sudden everything changes for a bit until we get back into a new rhythm. I’m mostly a one on one person and so having to spread my time between two and then three babies (not even counting my husband) is hard. I find it sad that I can’t give all of me to each one. And so in the time that I’m saying, “I can’t” or “wait,” while pacing and soothing the little newborn, I feel like I’m doing nothing. I start to look around the house and everything bugs me. I feel like I can’t spend time with my other two. I have a million things I “need” to do! But the truth is- those are lies to myself. I am doing something! Absolutely a necessary and needed something. I am soothing a little human soul, helpless and so dependent on me! Those thoughts that started to creep in, the doubts, are just lies wanting to make a nest in my head. That I’m not doing anything important. That I’m wasting all my capabilities, that I’m not making the most of my talents…weather it’s that I’m not going about the same way with how I spend time with girls, aren’t as productive or even that the house is unkept…and how I want to put away everything where it belongs. But the nice thing, with each new baby, the truth comes at me much quicker. I don’t dwell in that for much. I am quickly reminded that I am so so blessed to be able to be with my babies as a stay at home mom. I can’t see it nor imagine it any other way (speaking for the current situation because I have no clue where life will lead to in the future…) I am so blessed that I can watch them develop, nurture them, listen to them… learn them.

The little ones of this world! As I watch my baby search for me, reach to grasp me, speaking volumes without uttering a single word, I am ever so grateful that I am there for him. For them.

I sat in the lobby of the clinic watching a mom with her kids. A couple toddlers playing and a little infant in the car seat beside her. He kept searching for her face and every time she’d look down at him, he’d break into this huge smile! And then she’d look away and he’d continue waiting, searching for her gaze. I was in awe. This little infant barely a few months, desiring that eye contact, the love and comfort from his mother he already knows. I teared up thinking how such a little one needs and wants love, affection, the hands of a mama or papa and how many little innocent babies are unloved or abused in this world…and of course the nurse that got me probably thought I was just another crazy. All she saw was a pregnant patient crying all by herself in the lobby.

And so I am so, so happy, that I can be here, with my baby. Doing something that is very much important. Taking care of a little soul.

Jesus watches over them, keeps them close- that I can see and believe. And we as parents get to- are privileged- to hold them close to our own hearts!