It’s one of those days (Sunday) when my heart feels heavy and I can’t quite put it together as to why. Perhaps the anticipation of change: starting all over back in WA, allowing myself to become vulnerable. Being real, asking for help, learning to allow others into my life. I’m like the tightest little nut nobody can crack open-built walls all around myself. Nothing comes out, nobody comes in. I like to disappear, where no one knows anything about me. I still want to disappear, not be seen. It’s probably the false illusion of being free. And to admit, it’s awful. I’ve done things alone for far too long. And being in Colorado has really exposed it like no other! So maybe moving, the idea of that, just scares me. But I know I can’t do it that way any longer.
So thankful for my husband for taking the kids to get the quiet I needed today. And thankful for this verse-something my heart really needed today, ” The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.” Zephaniah3:17
Colorado- the place that seemed like all the doors were being slammed in my face. And now saying goodbye to it seems almost bittersweet. It was a place I got freedom. Freedom from having to uphold an image of sorts, that my life is always put together, my house is always tidy, my ducks are all in a row. That it’s ok not to live up to other’s expectations that then became heavy self imposed expectations. You hear the word perfect this, perfect that all your life and you start to feel like you always have to be perfect. There is no perfect! I just feel like a new person. I feel free to be human.
Colorado- it was a place where the change of my heart took place, one way, then another. It was a place where I was humbled, where I learned what it means to give it up to God in a completely different way, to not do a thing, again, and again in a more extreme way. Learning to let things go has been the hardest. The misunderstandings in life I tried to correct in my first years here, total fails. But I’m learning, because I’ve seen that even the greatest of misunderstandings can be used for good. It’s the place where I waited and saw what it means to believe even when everything around me said doubt.
Moving- seemed like it wouldn’t come. Funny thing in my life, but right at the time that the state announced the stay at home order earlier this year, I got allergies I’ve never had, massive migraines from a pinched nerve in my neck, and as soon as that passed, a nerve pinched in my back (from working out on the elliptical) that became an endless stab into my back and chest from both sides. Every time I’d take a slightly bigger breath or turn a certain way- stab like a dagger. So anytime I talk to family, I sound like I don’t care about the virus or am callous about it, but it’s just that while everybody was worried about toilet paper and the virus, I literally couldn’t breathe because of the nerve in my back! And to top it off, someone I had not talked to for a very long time, someone I had admitted to awhile back, that it had become a cry of my heart to move, messaged me out of the blue to tell me that they are moving, right up to where I want to move. I was surprised, taken aback, and although happy for them, it sure felt like it was the final stab to my back, almost to rub it in. You really want to move, but you’re not, I am. (not that they did that intentionally, hopefully.) It started to feel like everything was saying, you can’t move, you can’t believe it, it won’t happen. That I’m just being ungrateful and grumbling and unhappy with what I have.
But soon after, Peter got the call that he got the job he applied for, and then the call that the company would move us. And it was like the biggest gift of 2020! Colorado, the place I’ve probably been the quietest socially as an adult, to date. The place I’ve felt lost and confused in, the place I’ve felt alone. In this place God showed me He’s always been there all along. Doing His thing while I do nothing.
I’m eager and thankful to move, even in the strangest of times because adapting has become a way of life. Change has become a way of life.