I heard some words recently. And what was the result of it? A few things. First. The horror to think that I’m possibly exactly that. Throwing me into examining my heart again! Wondering, is this an attack? Is this because I’m a female? Because I’m younger? To put me into my place? And then I realized the words didn’t stab me in the heart. The first thought that came to mind was, “…If God is for us(ME), who can be against us(ME)?” -Romans 8:31
I read that whole chapter and it was exactly what my heart needed. (How amazing, I can open up the Bible and I can fully believe every little word on every single page! If you need anything to trust in or fully believe, all you need is the Bible. Pure truth. There was a whole chunk to go with this but I am excluding it.) Where I stand with God, my place in life as of now, the pure heartedness in it, my complete desire to live for God, a heart that truly cares, my full assurance of who I am in Christ and my security in that! No human can say anything to take it away! No mere words. It just can’t be done. Yes, it hurt and made me really ponder. For me, words are huge! They linger, they permeate…they aren’t easy to forget. But with these words, it was different. They didn’t have the same affect as they normally would! (It’s like I don’t recognize myself these days. Spiders don’t paralyze me. Dogs don’t scare me. And words. Words seem to not have the same affect on me!) It’s as if they flew right at my heart but before they ever reached it, they hit a glass wall and shattered into shards flying every which way. And what I really believe is, they were meant for every heart and mind that needed to hear them. They were truth. Truth is hard to digest. But necessary. Isn’t that how it is? (The only problem with these words in this situation were that they were attached, directed specifically at a human vs just being a general statement. Humans have feelings emotions etc…words can crush.)
Second. These words were my way out. The exact thing I’ve been waiting for. There’s this picture of a beautiful ballroom and there’s a last dance. And after that last dance, the lady walks away and doesn’t look back. That lady is me. I’ve been trying to do exactly that but my timing has been off. I can see now why it was so. I’m glad I didn’t. But my exit has been provided. And the timing couldn’t be better.
Salt and Light. But not in this form. Not with this method anymore. Some of the greatest problems occur because of miscommunications based off of misunderstandings and assumptions. For instance, I can’t say a single word without some sort of meaning put into it, without something put into my words that I did not intend. I couldn’t keep saying anything without guilt that something like that could hurt someone. That is horribly frustrating. What benefit can anyone gain from any of that? So unless there’s a change in method of communication and clarification, no new story can begin. And I haven’t seen any bold moves from anyone to remedy that.
Clearly, there’s no way I can live for just my husband, my kids, (<still very important!) the house, the things that don’t matter…obviously my heart and my life aren’t meant to just build myself a castle and sit around looking at my things. I don’t know exactly what comes next but I do know what I live for and that’s always for Jesus first.
When I think of words I think of people who use them the most. They write, they speak. What a privilege and what a power! I think of all the people, the vessels, who with their words, God used significantly to work in my life. (Specifically in the last ten years.) I have a whole list and oh how they vary. That’s the whole beauty of it. They don’t just all come from the same place with the same perfectly aligned views yet God used every single one. (This is no new age stuff, all in one type talk!) How important are the words. To think someone somewhere is sitting and their soul gets comforted and soothed. Someone’s heart is being stirred and convicted. Questions are answered. Minds are expanded. Someone’s life is being changed and transformed by those words. And you never know who they are, where they are. You don’t even know they exist.
(Yes, I know, God does the work. Jesus saves…)
I can honestly say, in my heart, I have no human opponent. No one I’m upset with. No one that I hate. No one that I want to argue with. There’s a whole new level of sadness that I couldn’t ever express. What a broken world we live in. Yet there’s peace, gladness, joy, and thankfulness.
I can also say, with all my heart, God is so good. No one has heard my side of the story and in my story, once again, who am I? A little nobody. I didn’t orchestrate it at all. I am mind blown myself. (So if anyone must feel that I am somehow still their opponent, their opponent isn’t a nobody, it is someone much bigger than myself- God.)
We have a God who’s Alive and at work!!!
It’s been overwhelming… I keep wondering, why would God allow me to see any of this? And at the same time, think, what a gift!
“Is your beard going to be with us all night?” Dr. Watson to Sherlock. Just because. Ha.
I condensed my thoughts to this^. There was a part about Sherlock and there were two stories that seemed quite fitting but I decided they sounded too preachy. Maybe one day I’ll come back and stick them in here somewhere… (next post.)
The last song has been sung, the last dance has been danced, the last page has been turned and like I heard recently, there’s a bit of a sorrow about it. There always is.
-forever a child of God